Healing for your whole self is knowing & accepting you are everything and nothing all at the same time.
“What’s wrong with me?” I asked myself on more than one occasion. “I’ve worked so hard over the years to be happy and I’m even called ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ because people say I am always so happy. I can’t possibly be seen as miserable”
The shame I felt from my constant inner battle of fighting the feelings of happy and miserable, joyful and sad, calm and angry.
I can’t show the outside world that they are wrong about me. That actually I am a fraud and that I am NOT happy all the time. I would show up and pretend to be happy even when I felt like being a miserable b*t*h.
I used to believe to be a perfect human being I had to be happy all the time. How flipping exhausting. How tiring to act out happy, joyful and calm all the time. It’s simply not possible and leads to pain and suffering. I would criticise myself for not matching up to my high standards of happy, joyful and calm all the time. I would torment myself for getting angry or when I felt sad I would beat myself up and this became a habitual way of being for me. Happy on the outside and miserable on the inside.
I would pretend I was a well-being by presenting myself as immaculate of the outside all in an effort to cover up the discord of my true messed up feelings on the inside. The effort it would take and the time I spent became impossible to keep up with. I found people calling me unique and inspirational and all I felt was ordinary and dull.
I became so tired of keeping up appearances and the daily struggle of hiding my negative emotions, that I remember reaching to bottom of my ‘Shit Pit’ for the last time and saying to myself ‘It’s ok not to be ok’.
The admission of this created a point of awareness in me. An awareness that for as long as I could remember a voice inside me said ‘peel back the mask Vanessa, reveal your true beauty’
How can angry, miserable and sad be beautiful! Then these words came to mind….
“The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are ~ without apology, without excuses, without masks” Debbie Ford ‘The dark side of the light casers’
This created a profound shift within me and a transformation in my life. I accepted that to feel whole and complete was to embrace the miserable b*t*h within me. To embrace angry Annie and sad Sally along with happy Harriet, calm Carys and joyful Joyce.
I could clearly see where my erratic journey of playing a part and hiding behind my mask of happy, joyful and calm in an attempt to cover up miserable, angry and sad had led me to numbing out the whole spectrum of feelings.
As human beings we are feeling beings and we are meant to FEEL everything and to feel EVERYTHING is ok as it is. In fact it’s essential for us to accept all that we feel as feeling is the secret to our healing.
Our feelings are our guidance system through life. We are born Divine, whole and complete. This is our natural state. We are simply programmed and conditioned that this is not the case and that to struggle, to feel pain and to push our way through life and to suppress any negative and ‘unlovely’ emotion is the norm. When it couldn’t be further from the TRUTH! Express all that you are in the only way you know how to.
Our truth is Joy ~ the emotion evoked from well-being. And a well-being is whole and complete. The union of two halves ~ the good and the bad. The light and the dark. The positive and the negative.
Let go of the notion that negative emotions such as anger, frustration and sadness mean you are bad. On the contrary, they just make you feel bad. Your ‘unlovely’ emotions are an indication that you’re off track a little and that it’s time release it, let it go and to reach for a better feeling thought to create a positive emotion such as Joy, enthusiasm or LOVE.
True healing comes from choosing to accept and embrace all the emotions you feel, to take ownership of what you feel and to use them as your own inner guidance system to keep you on your path of peace.
You are LOVE through and through and allowing yourself to BE human creates a fulfilling life full of all you choose for yourself.
“The purpose of our journey is to restore ourselves to wholeness” Debbie Ford